“Dad, I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin...

I might actually be in the wrong skin.”

Jan, how did it start for all of you?

Jan: “About five years ago, our child told us: ‘I’m attracted to the same gender’. As parents, we were happily surprised. We thought it was nice that it was clarified; we also had no problem with it at all. We did express our concerns, because in this rather hard world not everyone regards these feelings as positive. Unfortunately.”

Jan: “But a few months after the happy news, our child went through a dark period. A friend had jumped in front of a train, there were things at school that caused immense stress... All these events triggered a depression. So following that, our child took a break from school and started seeing a psychiatrist. Those talks gave new insights and so, one day, our child stood in front of us and said: ‘Dad, I'm not comfortable in my own skin... I might even be in the wrong skin’.”

How did you, as a parent, experience those moments?

Jan: “You see your kid suffer. As a parent, that just hits you right in the heart. Seeing your child all curled up on the sofa, feeling miserable… It’s the very last thing you want for them. Luckily, we all received excellent support, so today my son feels like he has become the man he always wanted to be. And that makes me very, very happy.’

Jan: “Now, I don't want to romanticise all this. There were times, that I was really scared. How will others treat him? Is he going to have a normal life? But in the end, it doesn't seem to be as bad as we expected. He found new friends and is part of a new social circle where he feels safe.”

Inclusion and diversity are no abstract concepts for you, but a daily reality. How do you experience these values at ING?

Jan: “I find it inspiring how much those aspects are valued here, at my workplace. I’ve always been very open about my private situation. And that was always accepted, across teams, cultures and nationalities. I haven't had a negative reaction. Not one! On the contrary, people were very interested. There was this continuous flow of compassion and… I would call it ‘normality’. And that touched me deeply. Colleagues even encouraged me to take some time off, they said: ‘Jan, feel free to go home and be there for your family”. I mean… wow, right?”

Jan: “I am aware that our story is a privileged one. Some of my son's friends from the queer community got into a lot of trouble at home when they came out and were frowned upon by their peers... And so, I suspect there won't always be such an open response in their professional lives either. That makes it just so welcoming and empowering that such an openness and normality are felt and expressed here at ING.”

When you hear those other stories, what is your reaction then? Being a parent yourself?

Jan: “It must be so hard for those kids. Look, you love your children for who they are, right? Not for your expectations of what they should become. Focus on your child, not on your own ideas or some outdated expectations of what they should become. Because when you let go of the idea of what others might think about you or your children, you find freedom. Here in our home, we take that openness for granted. And it's reassuring that the same feeling lives at ING.”

However Jan, someone who doesn't work at ING might assume that the banking world is a rather hard world as well…

Jan (smiles widely): “Fortunately, we are not a bank! We are a technology company with a banking licence. Look, I have been working here for 28 years and when I started, it was all suit and tie. Now, this is a totally different company. Senior managers walk around here in T-shirts too. But indeed, I sometimes wonder: what if I had told my story in another company? Well, I know I wouldn't want to work in a company that is not as open as ING is today. That's also a piece of advice I swear by: work in a company where you feel good, where you are happy.”

How do you experience our society handling gender and inclusivity in general?

Jan: “There is an incredible openness now, which is fantastic, but I also see the backlash. Just recently I was talking to someone who stated he didn’t ‘understand all those woke-things’. According to him, it's a fashion phenomenon, where young people mainly want to be a part of. Well… (sighs) I’m aware that I’ll never be able to convince everyone. Nevertheless, I am convinced that we as a civilisation are evolving in the right direction. There is still a lot of work to do, but in general we are moving in a positive direction. I remain optimistic. One day, everyone will realise this is the 21st century.” (laughs)

Thank you for sharing your story, Jan, and for so much openness.

Jan: “My pleasure, but for me, there’s no other way.”